THE UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES:
When Parental Guidance Destroys Children’s Relationships – By Gracious Akintayo
Introduction:
In a world where relationships between intending couples are often fraught with doubt and challenges, the guidance of parents and pastors is invaluable.
However, there are instances where well-meaning advice leads to unintended consequences – causing harm, confusion, and misdirection rather than sound guidance.
This article explores how these influential figures can inadvertently misguide individuals, leading to the breakdown of promising relationships and marriage plans. It draws on biblical references to underscore the importance of wisdom and discernment in counsel.
The Role of Parents: Misguided Expectations
Parents play a crucial role in shaping their children’s views on relationships and marriage. Yet when they impose unrealistic expectations or fail to communicate openly, they can set their children up for failure.
Proverbs 22:6 states, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” While this verse emphasizes the importance of guidance, it also highlights the need for parents to provide a balanced perspective on love and relationships.
When parents raise their children in the way of the Lord – teaching them to depend on God for everything – making the right decisions in their independent adult life becomes easier. But when parents continue to exercise excessive control even at that stage of independence, their children become insecure and lose confidence in the very guidance they received. This is a form of inferiority complex – competing with God in the lives of their children. It constitutes manipulation that can lead to wrong choices and a lifetime of regret.
Parents are meant to be a foundation, not a fence. But when parental love becomes controlling, it becomes what can be described as the Doctrine of Continued Ownership (DCO): Some parents exercise control over their children before marriage and never truly release them after marriage.
For instance, parents who prioritize career success over emotional intelligence may inadvertently teach their children to value achievement over connection. This can produce a generation that struggles to form healthy relationships, prioritizing work over love – contrary to Ecclesiastes 4:9-10, which reminds us that “Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil.”
When a mother still decides who her son should marry, or a father still dictates his daughter’s choice of a life partner, they are competing with God in the lives of their children. They manipulate God’s purpose for marriage through comparative, authoritative, and materialistic matchmaking: “Marry from our tribe.” “Marry a doctor, not a teacher.” “Don’t marry her, her mother is divorced.” “Never marry because of age difference.” This reduces marriage to ego, status, tribe, income, and personal limitations, ignoring 1 Samuel 16:7 – “Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”
On these grounds, many divine unions have been blocked, many purposeful marriages have been truncated, and many troubled unions have been forced together.
Parents cannot always stand beside their children forever, but God can. Therefore, do not abandon the path that pleases God simply to please your parents.
Your parents may affirm you today and misunderstand you tomorrow. What matters most is not how your parents see you, but how God sees you. Not how you please your parents, but how you please God.
The world will not always be gentle simply because you are vulnerable. Learn to pray and be strong.
Do not live by your emotions. Do not run away every time life becomes hard. There are roads your parents can walk with you for a while, but they cannot walk them for you. God, however, can give you the strength to walk them yourself when the road becomes too hard.
Do not give your heart to someone who does not know how to cherish it. Human love can change. Human promises can fail, but God’s love never changes. Before you give your heart to another, learn to give your heart to God first.
Let God teach you what love is and what wise boundaries are.
Do not live in misconception or comparison. What others have may not be what God prepared for you, and what others say may not be God’s plan for you. The path others are walking may not be the path God has given you.
A life built on misconception, comparison, and ill advice is not authentic living.
Discover yourself in the knowledge of God and do not despise what He is slowly building in you simply because someone promises you something better.
This is hard to hear, but it is true: Your parents will not always be beside you, and they will not be there for you for a lifetime.
One day, you will face things your parents cannot fix. There will be nights when you cry alone. There will be decisions only you can make.
Children must learn to know God for themselves, because parents cannot always stay with them. But God can.
Parents cannot see or know everything, but God sees and knows all. Parents cannot carry your whole life for you, but God can uphold you throughout your lifetime.
Parents who truly love their children do not only teach them how to succeed; they teach them how to trust and love God. The greatest security in life is not having people around you forever, but knowing that wherever you go, God is with you.
A partner who is emotionally married to their parents and not discerning through the Spirit of God will only be married physically, but will never fully cleave to their union. No marriage survives on divided allegiance.
What Godly Guidance Should Look Like:
The problem is not that we seek counsel. The problem is what counsel we accept.
Scripture gives us the standard for discernment:
- Does it align with the whole Word of God, not just a single verse taken out of context? Psalm 119:160 says, “All your words are true.”
- Does it build oneness or create division? Godly counsel always aims for reconciliation where possible. Romans 14:19 – “Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”
- Does it produce the fruit of the Spirit? Galatians 5:22-23. Any counsel that produces constant fear, threats, division, or confusion in your relationship is not from God. 1 Corinthians 14:33 – “For God is not a God of disorder but of peace.”
- Does it respect God’s purpose for marriage? Genesis 2:24, Matthew 19:5-6, Mark 10:7-9, and Ephesians 5:31 remind us that marriage is not only for procreation but for the fulfillment of godly vision. This requires leaving and cleaving – total commitment, focus, and accountability.
Seek knowledge and desire wisdom
Conclusion: The Call for Discernment and Wisdom
The influence of parents is profound, and their intentions are often rooted in love and care. However, it is essential for them to approach their role with humility, recognizing the potential for misguidance. As Proverbs 4:7 reminds us, “The beginning of wisdom is this: Get wisdom, and whatever you get, get insight.”
In a world where relationships are under constant pressure, the call for discernment and wisdom in counsel is more critical than ever. By grounding their advice in biblical principles and fostering open communication, parents can help build strong, resilient relationships that honor God and reflect His love.
A Final Word to Intending Couples:
Honor your parents – Ephesians 6:2-3.
Respect your pastors – Hebrews 13:17.
Do not despise prophecy – 1 Thessalonians 5:20.
Value counsel – Proverbs 15:22.
But let no parent or pastor take the place of Christ in your life at the age of accountability. Matthew 15:14 warns, “If the blind lead the blind, both will fall into a pit.”
Before you act on any advice, discern and bring it to the feet of Jesus: Will this build my life and future, or break it?
For on the day of judgment, your parents will not answer for your marriage, and your pastor will not. You will.
“Each of us will give an account of ourselves to God.” – Romans 14:12
Gracious Akintayo, PhD (Hons) is a Nigerian journalist, writer, researcher and minister of the gospel. He is the Editor/Publisher, Providence News, a non-denominational online and print Christian news publication. He can be reached on: +234-803-3808-826.
